#bc of my fucking KIDNEY
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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I MAY like jjba guys idk I’m probably insane guys just a hunch
I got all the official merch off of eBay btw
eBay is love, eBay is life, eBay is god
#jjba#merch#dont think I have already recovered from my pc deleting all my files.#But uhh maybe some chocolate pudding did help me recover idk chocolate and sweets for life#<- the sweet tooth is real#this shit cost me a kidney#<- worth it#<- cured my depression (temporarily#Censored stuff bc I don’t rlly want the internet to know all about where I fucking sleep and live y’know#jojo no kimyou na bouken#jojo's bizarre adventure#merchandise
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The urge to actually scream the fuck out on my parents rn......
#last week i had a migraine and they didnt let me take the meds bc its bad for my kidneys as they say (its not) and i fukin suffered in pain#the whole night.#TODAY THEY ARE DOING A REPEAT OF IT OR WTV IDK MY ALLERGY MEDS ARE WITH MOM AND SHES IN OFFICE#AND IM FUCKING DEALING WITH ANOTHET ALLERGIC REACTION LIKE FFS I'LL DIE SCRATCHING MYSELF#they just cant stop interfering
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got sleep paralysis for the first time in my life last night btw (after watching the wicker man twice back to back. real). night of 10 dec 2023 old lady in fancy evening wear on my stomach whispering about stealing my kidneys
#and i couldnt fucking moooove. i never thought i would get sleep paralysis What the hell#there was a whole plot about how she needed my kidneys bc they woukd help her pass her emeralds onto my irl friend who in the dream was the#lady's niece#shut up ulrike#sleep paralysis
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My frankly monstrous dad called again and i actually picked up this tine and it was both cathartic and not at the same time? Like i did get to basically fully yell at him, but he very clearly didnt care enough to understand what i was saying so :/
#vent tw#my fave part was him going uwu im in my 60s now in like a feel bad for me voice and i got to counter w/ yeah??? and im 26 and my sister is#31 and you fucking disappeared 20 years ago what do you want me to say?#it did finally crush the borderline irrational fear ive carried my entire life that i might one day be him/act like him at least#like after speaking with him i know that while i may be ND i definitely dont have his nightmare of a personality disorder thank fuck#he basically talked in circles and refused to apologize or take any accountability for anything and also gave the frankly wild statement#that he wants me to drop what im doing and take leave from my job??? to go meet him in japan??? to get a coffee and talk it out#im like genuinely fully convinced he wants something from me like part of my liver or a kidney or smthn no joke bc he refused to say what#he actuallly wanted#anyway woe 🚗 🔨 🔥 be upon ye
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god i feel. SO lucky that i was able to get a diagnosis so fast. thank god for doctors who actually care
#marzi speaks#i mean. autoimmune diagnosis two months from symptom outset is insanely fast#and lucky bc i think we caught this early enough to avoid damaging my organs long-term#and it hasn’t even had time to try to fuck up my kidneys#the steroid Works (the rash on my feet has gone down So Much)#and they’re gonna start me on the other meds today (gotta keep a close eye in case of reactions)#i’m just like. so relieved. they have a diagnosis and it feels correct and the treatment Works#i had been mentally preparing to wait like. 6 months to a year for dx. maybe more. but i have it now#n yeah i’m gonna be immunocompromised for a bit#but like. i’ll take that over how miserable i was feeling before that
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it was all going too well for me i think
#have to pull out of an exam tomorrow and all my classes this week#bc of my fucking KIDNEY? just? decided to get infected? how does that even happen#and and and. i just wanna write and lay on my sofa but bro it’s exam szn so i gotta like? do my coursework#guess i’m gonna have some free time tho so send me thoughts n shit i need the power of brainrot
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And now I've condemned myself to a night of fretting by looking up treatment for cat elbow dislocation 🙂
#I thought if its that they'd pop it back into place but it seems like they do actually surgery#And tigs is old with kidney disease so he might just die under anaesthetic so#And in severe case they fucking amputate which again. Old. Has kidney disease. Doesn't bode well.#I mean I hope ? Presume ? That's in cases where the elbow was left for a long time but idk#He has bad arthritis already#God hopefully it's just the winter making his arthritis bad and he jumped on his arm a little funny#But hope won't work for me I will just presume the worst until proven otherwise bc that's how my brain works in the end
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drinking is annoying. not because of any intoxicated shenanigans, but I hate having to piss every 10 minutes. it really kills the vibe smh my head bro
#bestie im trying to party by myself at home on 3 glasses of wine with my cat. and i cannot do that when nature is callimg#apologies if you consider this tmi but also you know what u signed up for when you followed me#my kidneys are staging a coup rn fuck that shit just keep it in my blood system for a while itll be alright#i had my last glass a little too fast and as im typing this i can feel it kicking in oh boy baby that wasnt good#i am lighter than a featherweight. which is good bc its cheap but also i want to fucking vibe not submit to biological demands#i will shut the fuck up now i am so sorry im gonna close tunblr bc the rants are bubnling up#elkk.txt
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The thing about chronic pain is that I'll be experiencing the usual horrors (pain and discomfort that isn't possible to fully ignore) but I'm not even phased, like this is just a normal Wednesday night for me.
#it hurts but i can ignore it if i keep myself occupied with other stuff#which means its not that bad#but its bad enough that trying to sleep is out of the question#and that means its another night of taking melatonin with as much advil as my kidneys can tolerate and hoping for the best#disabilty pride month except instead of pride i feel nothing but apathy and discomfort#ngl i am getting more and more discouraged as time goes on bc i am getting less and less good days#and i am losing abilities ive always taken for granted#like being able to drive for longer than 20 minutes#or doing chores#or literally just being able to stand long enough to like cook a single without it using up all my energy for the day#not even exaggerating#i can at best cook one meal a day now#on bad days i cannot cook anything that cant just be microwaved or popped in the toaster#ever since i had covid last summer it seems like my health started getting worse at a much faster rate that it was before#my neurologist said it probably triggered cfs/me and that its basically a form a long covid#which fucking sucks so bad#like exercise helps some of my other conditions but i cannot exercise at all anymore without triggering a bad crash#there is no winning#siiiiiiiiiiigh#its fine though#we carry on
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happy valentine's day. though in my case it may as well be viral day because i have covid LOL
#stormy shouts#i'm not upset about it i don't much care for v-day commercially speaking#i just think this is funny as hell bcs my kidney stone last year happened around the 4th of july (win for me)#i'm also still upright and functioning—it just feels like a fucking miserable cold for me#i ❤️ vaccines
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wild that i can be bleeding internally for six weeks and it's just ... fine?? i just keep working like everything is normal?? that's cool. just like, let me know at what point to be really concerned .. i guess?!
#when you thought the kidney infection went away but somehow you're still bleeding from your kidneys?? or your bladder or ... somewhere?!#what the fUuuUck dude#now i have to go see a urologist and who knows how fcking long i'll have to wait for that#and i am not convinced that my abdominal pain is from the lingering small bleed in my urinary tract#so what the FUCK else is wrong with me???#and why are my doctors still saying shit like 'if it persists into next week follow up with me'#ITS PERSISTED THE LAST SIX WEEKS IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING NOW IS THE TIME NOT NEXT WEEK#god fuck i just#am trying to cope and deal and process this and it's very very hard when i am like begging for help and everyone is just acting#like i saw a fly and screamed my head off#and then finally when someone says oh shit i see the bear too i'm like holy shit you do?!#and then they can't confirm the bear bc all their tests failed so they just go 'ehh we'll try again if the bear's still there next week'#THE BEAR COULD ATTACK AT ANY SECOND AND I AM SUPPOSED TO JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT?!#i just can't dude i just fcking can't#disabled lyfe#hikey
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guy i’ve been sleeping with is in my bed and it’s fine but i’m so overstimulated and he snores and i am so tired but i can’t sleep bc it’s too loud and every time i nudge him to make him stop it starts again and i’m trying not to get mad at him because it’s not his fault but i’m so fucking overwhelmed it’s fucking 4 am i can’t sleep i want him out of my bed and at his one home i work all day tomorrow i want to be alone but i don’t want to be mean and take my irritation out on him it’s not his fault but i want to strangle him SO BAD
#and i have to go to the clinic tomorrow bc i have a kidney infection or something#i have to go before work but i’m not going to be able to do a fucking thing tomorrow because i haven’t slept#he’s trying to help but it’s just pissing me off and idk what to do#i don’t have ear plugs idk what else i could do my airpods are lost
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Honestly the main thing I've learned from House M.D. is that before you get married, you should really make sure your spouse has the same blood type as you. Just, y'know, in case of emergency.
#house md#this was just sitting in my drafts idk why#but i think its kinda funny so enjoy#i mean honestly#the amount of times someone is like “I WILL GIVE YOU MY KIDNEYS JEFFREY”#only to be cockblocked bcs their blood types dont match up#its a lot okay#thats my point#this is a joke btw#plz dont chose the love of your life cuz they're AB positive or whatever the fuck#if we did tho#those o- bitches would be flying off the shelves#alright ive officially lost the point#send post
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I am. I am going to lose it
#liv talks#had to call off work bc i have to go see a fucking doctor again#think i have another fucking infection. im going to lose my mind#this SUCKS#im in so much pain ughsmsichs#the downsides to living alone means i cant get someone else to drive me either </3 gdi#fuck this third kidney. little bitch#-11/10 do not recommend
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I sure hope this bout of depression and anxiety are period related bc good god do I wanna run into traffic 🤪
#marquilla#im not gonna kms but i would very much like to#but i wont#itll pass i know it will bc i always get flares like this from hormones and i see a dr at the end of the month for it but good fucking lord#i am sufferiiiiiinnnnng and for what bitch! weirdly no cramps... i had that back pain i thought were kidney stones last week but that was#it like a couple days and no actual cramps which is sus...#anyway i wanna do something to distract myself but im too depressed to move lmao like my brain will not let me#well it's Thursday i just gotta get to sunday then im on my meds again#again im fine im not gonna kms im just in the brain swamp rn
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